Books I’d Die in Because I’m Weak and Pathetic

Disclaimer that this post will be a mess. A rambly mess with almost no point to it, to be specific. But I’ve been kind of slumpy with blog hopping and reading recently, so I wanted to produce something, even if that something is a messy pointless post!

Every now and then I see people sort of “fancast” themselves into their favorite books, and while that’s all good and well, I think that if I ever did that I would probably just die in all the books I like. This is in part due to the fact that most of my faves are fantasy, but also, I have zero self preservation skills and am incredibly lazy. So survival isn’t really something that would be seen in my future if I ever were to magically be transported into those universes.

Anywho! I thought it would be a fun exercise to explore a few books that I would definitely perish in! Whether because of my own stupidity or just plain rotten luck.

(also apologies for the formatting of this post. my last post was formatted the exact same way and I wanted to switch it up to not be boring, but I kind of like how it looks neat with the books and words next to each other and currently can’t think of another way to lay it out, so oops)

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The Poppy War

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First of all, if I were in the Poppy War I would most probably be a brainwashed disgusting colonizer because I am ~ white ~. In which case, I would probably kill myself. Now, if I didn’t kill myself, I would gladly be slain by Rin (or any other Nikan soldier). If you think that you would survive The Poppy War, I commend you, but I’m also a little bit afraid of you.

To be fair, based on the initial reactions to TBG I don’t really think that anyone is going to survive The Poppy War series. And yes I am talking about both the characters and readers.


The Lightning Thief

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You could probably survive The Lightning Thief! Is what you might be thinking right now. But no! I would not survive The Lightning Thief for the following reasons.

1. If I were a half-blood I’d still use a cell phone and would attract many many monsters

2. If I wasn’t a half-blood I’d definitely be one of the dumb mortals who gets in the way of a monster attack

Honestly, the only way that I would survive The Lightning Thief were if I were somehow trapped at the Lotus Hotel. Which is something I think I’d really enjoy and would be open to!


Gideon the Ninth

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There’s no question that I’d be dead in this book. I mean, it’s literally about necromancers?? There are a whole bunch of these skeletal servant things throughout the book, and since I am a fantastic cook (I know how to make eggs and pasta, master chef watch out), I would obviously be an integral part of the kitchen and serving staff.

Also, I’m great at being silent and standing in the background. (Is this turning into a resume to be hired as a member of the skeletal undead serving staff in Gideon the Ninth? Yes. I told you this post would be a mess).


Caster

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It was just announced yesterday, so I have to express my excitement here that Caster is going to be adapted into a movie by paramount pictures!! This book has dangerous gangs and illegal magic that have repercussions if used. So I obviously would be caught up in one of the accidents that may occur as a result of magic being used.

It’s tragic, but that’s life. I would like to survive long enough to witness the underground magic fight club but after that happens, it’s fair game.


The Fifth Season

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I read this book last week and have to start by berating past me for taking so long to pick up an N.K Jemisin book. I loved the writing and the worldbuilding and I can’t wait to finish the series! One good thing about waiting until now to read it is that the whole series is already out!

The Fifth Season kind of tells the story of the end of the world. It starts with a cataclysmic world ending event that decimates at least 1 very large city and more than a few small villages. I don’t think I would die in the first wave of the end of the world (I have a little more self confidence than that), but I would probably do something dumb and detrimental to survival in the after effects of it all.

This post could go on for a while (I have many Goodreads tabs open with all the books I would perish in), but I’m not going to make anyone suffer anymore. To summarize, I’d probably die in all of them because all these books have much death, violence, and war.

I would like to know what books you think you could survive in! I’m not going to say that contemporaries are a given, because you never know what might happen, but in keeping your answers in the SFF genre, what books would you survive?

What are some books that you think you wouldn’t survive? Do you think you would have more luck than me?

58 thoughts on “Books I’d Die in Because I’m Weak and Pathetic

  1. i love everything about this post, mainly because i’m glad i’m not the only one who would die in books. frankly i’d probably die in the most lowkey books because any kind of aggressive conflict or dangerous situation activates the “freeze” part of the fight-flight-freeze instinct for me 😬

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    1. Ahaha, literally same!! I feel like sure hypothetically I’d love to be one of those cool collected people under pressure but if a real fight broke out I’d probably just freeze πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this post! 😍 I don’t doubt your cooking ability. I stay home majority of the time, even before covid, so anything outside of my home (other than dine-in food and desserts) are all deadly to me. I’m also super clumsy, all the unexplainable bruises. So yea, I’ll probably trip over and die. πŸ˜‚

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    1. Thank you!! Hahaha, yesss, every time there’s a sneaking around situation in a book I just KNOW I would trip over something and completely give myself away πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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  3. Hiiiii! Great post!
    Chana . . . I can’t think of a book I’d die in πŸ™ƒ. My strategy would be to present myself as cute and smol and get adopted by the big powerful person for being pathetic. I would be the one in the background doing the Darkling’s laundry or telling Rin that all her ideas are absolutely brilliant while I stand very still, because I’m her pet rock now.

    I guess the only way I see myself dying is by a dystopian natural disaster like in the Fifth Wave or Illuminae?

    And Chana, you would totally survive the Cruel Prince series, ACoTaR, the Bear and the Nightingale, and Wicked Saints, ok? Also, if I was in this hypothetical fantasy book with you and Malka, I’d make you both adopt my strategy and we’d all survive.

    I feel like I’m giving big RIP to them but I’m different vibes . . . But I don’t think I’m wrong?

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    1. Thank you!! πŸ’•πŸ’•

      Okay, so I absolutely think that you can be the Darkling’s washerwoman BUT Rin would absolutely destroy you. No questions asked. Total annihilation. It’s okay though, we can either cower fearfully in the background or accept an honorable death by Rin’s sword 😊 Omg no, you would totally survive Illuminae. AIDEN and you would get along swimmingly.

      Huvi, if I were in the Cruel Prince or ACoTaR I would simply die of disgust. Aah, thank you for being so kind. Malka and I will be forever indebted to you! Dibs on being the Darklings lowly cook. Imma poison his food 😈

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        1. No, no. The darkling would be impressed by my audacity and daring and then promote me to lackey #1. After which I will die respectably in battle. And yes, Cruel Prince is ew (i still haven’t read Queen of Nothing, so we’ll see my thoughts when I finish that). Nope, haven’t read it.

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  4. I laughed so hard when I read that title omg πŸ˜‚ I, too, am also weak and pathetic, so you’re not alone. I think the one I’d have the best shot of survival in is definitely Percy Jackson but I totally agree I’d be that dumb side character live tweeting a battle and then I’d definitely die. BUT I’d probably deserve it at that point, so I can’t really complain!!

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    1. Yayyy, I’m so happy to see that I’m not alone in this!! Omg, now I’m just imagining a camper live-tweeting the battle of olympus πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ All the confused mortals after at this random crazy twitter thread.

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    1. Thank you!! ❀ Ahh, I definitely have to admire you for that! On the one hand, I’m like oh I could totally go without my phone, and then I think about all the social media apps I’m addicted too πŸ˜…

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  5. This is such a fun post, and it isn’t all over the place ❀ Honestly, I really don’t think anyone could survive a fantasy. I’d be long dead before TPW even started, and you know, I probably would die in The Lightning Thief as well. For the same reasons lol. Though…I think I would be able to survive in Mistborn? I could be just like Spook. Quiet in the corner, running errands, staying out of the way, and surviving the entire mess but also being a part of it. Huh, I actually can really see myself surviving. Until of course, I get wind of what Kell/Vin are planning and I try to be some hero and save everyone and end up dead anyway.

    Lol 😭

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    1. Thank you, Rukky πŸ₯Ίβ€πŸ’• Aahh, yeah! Towards the end of the post, I was like okay let me think of ONE Fantasy I could survive and I could not think of one πŸ˜‚ The best option would probably be for us to be like NPC’s, we could be like unassuming fruit sellers or something and MAYBE then we’d survive.

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  6. I think the people who grew up in these worlds inherently have an advantage. As for PJO, you’re probably right about the phones 😭 I always imagine I would survive it, since it does come with powers. But could I survive the onslaught that would come with my addiction to the internet?

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    1. Yess, for sure! Like the people in these worlds already know all the ins and outs of the monsters and government etc. I’m sure if they came to our world they’d get hit by a car in an instant πŸ˜‚ I feel like the cell phone thing made sense when Rick Riordan first wrote the series 2005 but now I can’t imagine all the half-bloods just NOT having twitter or instagram πŸ˜…

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  7. this,, this is an accurate representation of me. i have never felt so seen.
    jokes aside, i think i would be dead within like an hour in Ketterdam and the streets of Lake (from SOC and Legend respectively haha) even though i love both the books!!!! this was such a good post, thank you chana ❀

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    1. fafjlkj I would die so hard in Ketterdam 😭😭 I’d probably do something stupid and mess with one of the gangs by mistake and then that would be the end of it πŸ˜ͺ Ahh, thank you Rhi!! πŸ’•πŸ’•

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  8. I think I would probably die in pretty much any book lololol πŸ˜‚ To create some kind of interesting story, you always need conflict, and let’s just say I’m extremely bad at handling that… Also, I am very clumsy and not the most athletic, so if I had to run away from something, I’d be a goner for sure πŸ˜…

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    1. I didn’t even think of running 😭 So much running goes on in all of these books, and I feel like I’m dying after a few flights of stairs so I know no super athletic chases would be happening for me πŸ˜‚

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    1. Same!! I mean they organized a team of highly trained individuals…maybe I could be a bartender at one of the Crows bars? A card dealer maybe? As an actual member of the Crows I would definitely die immediately. Probably murdered by Kaz tbh πŸ˜‚

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  9. I’m not a great cook but I’m good at being silent and standing in the background so maybe we could survive together in Gideon the Ninth world..? πŸ˜… Anyway I absolutely am the first character who would die in the book if I ever am in it. Horror, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy… You name it. It’s my fate πŸ˜‚ I don’t think I’d survive in any of the worlds so I’m better off in the contemporary world since that’s the only world where I’ll be less likely to die fast.

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    1. Yesss, we’ll be skeletal servants together! And then we can gossip about all the main characters who are actually suffering in our time off (I am assuming that we’d have breaks as serving staff). Honestly, I think it would be an honor to be the first to die in a horror. Like whenever I watch horror movies I always talk about how dumb the characters are but I would also probably go into a creepy room to see what the weird noise is so I probably deserve to be the first one dead πŸ˜‚

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      1. That… Is a good idea πŸ˜† (also I would like to think we have breaks as serving staff.) And omg sameeee!! That’s exactly what I would think every time I watch horror movies but then again I’m also just like them so yeah πŸ˜…

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  10. “I’m also a little bit afraid of you” hahaha too true. This was a fun post, thank you for writing it. I definitely wouldn’t survive in any fantasy world I don’t think, unless maybe I got to be a Hobbit in the Shire and just… garden and eat.

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    1. Aaah, thank you!! I’m so happy you enjoyed it πŸ’• Ooh, honestly being in the shire sounds like the best experience ever. Just chilling with all the other hobbits sounds like bliss πŸ₯°

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    1. Aah, so that’s one fantasy world that you’d definitely survive! I’m sorry that your cellphone broke but on the chance that you would be teleported to the world of Percy Jackson, I guess it would turn out to be a blessing! πŸ˜…

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  11. This post is very relatable because I don’t think I’d last five minutes in any of these books either! Using a cell phone as a half blood would be my downfall too. And tbh I’d much prefer being a skeletal serving staff in Gideon the Ninth to getting involved in the mess that the main characters have to deal with. And oh boy, reading The Fifth Season made me realize how terrible I would be at surviving in an apocalyptic world. It would not end well for anyone.

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    1. Being the serving staff in Gideon the Ninth honestly seems like the best gig πŸ˜‚ And yess, The Fifth Season made me realize how absolutely inadequate I’d be in an apocalypse! I think the best option for all these fantasies would be to be the background background characters, not even supporting character level πŸ˜‚

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  12. This is such a great and creative post!
    To be honest, I don’t think I’d survive in most of the books I read either, but that’s on me for reading mostly fantasy πŸ˜‚
    I’ve recently reread the entire Percy Jackson books and he didn’t know much at the begging either and he made it, so there’s still hope for us. If we were half-bloods, our instincts would kick in if we were in danger and if not, well. Monsters don’t bother much with mortals, right??

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    1. Hahahaha, same! I feel like if I read mostly contemporary I would have a much greater chance of surviving since contemporaries just take place in the regular world πŸ˜‚

      Aah, hopefully! I just remember how at the beginning Percy mentioned that not a lot of half-bloods make it to adulthood so I’m thinking that with my terrible luck and obsession with my cellphone it probably wouldn’t work out so well πŸ˜…

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  13. Oh my gosh, I love this post SO much. I…would also die?? I’ve always used The Hunger Games as my example if I talked about this in real life with people, because most people know the whole concept of the death tournament and everything, but I stand by that if I were in The Hunger Games, I would one hundred percent not make it past the Cornucopia but I’d rather die there than have to kill anyone, so it would work out. HAHA, I would completely be one of the mortals that gets caught in the monster attack, I can’t even deny it. This was so much fun to read!

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    1. I didn’t even think about the Hunger Games!! Omg, I would die immediately. I feel like I would just give up though? Like I don’t want to run around killing people and fighting for my life, that sounds like so much work 😭

      Thank you!! πŸ’•

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    1. Exactly! Like I’d love to think that I’d be an awesome swordfighting badass, but the fact of the matter is I probably can’t even run for a few blocks without losing my breath πŸ˜ͺ The only way I’d survive a zombie apocalypse is maaaybe if I found a safe warehouse stocked with supplies to hide out in for a while. While the actual main characters took care of the zombies πŸ˜‚

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  14. Heh I love this post! I think about this ALL the time (morbid much?) and I agree. OR, I’d survive by some complete fluke, but be the whiniest, most miserable human in existence. My own survival group would probably kill me just to shut me up. Like, I’d be mad about not having chapstick, needing a proper toilet. etc. (Also, this post reminded me how much I need to read like, ALL of these books, so thanks!)

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    1. Yesss, I think that I’d survive by fluke too πŸ˜‚ We would be the ones they send out for supplies in a zombie apocalypse and then secretly celebrate when we get taken out by zombies on the way back. Omg, I absolutely would not survive without a toilet/toilet paper. That’s another reason why I don’t understand people who say they would love to live in another time period. Like I like my running water that’s free of dysentery, thank you very much.

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  15. This is so relatable! I always like to think I’d be some cool swordswoman or a healer or something when in reality I’d probably be the daughter of a peasant whose fields get burned and I have to die. I honestly can’t think of a single fantasy book I’d actually, definitely survive in (at least being like I am now. sword fighting in this world isn’t exactly cheap and I don’t have anyone to train. I do have the swords already though… πŸ˜€ )

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    1. Aah, I’m sure you would be the daughter of a peasant farmer who gets swept up to the royal palace after a royal falls in love with you 😌 You MAY have to mourn your peasant family after their fields burn though, but that’s just how fantasy living goes. I was actually thinking of starting to take sword fighting classes! They look so cool, and I honestly kind of just want to be able to take a photoshoot in a cool dress with a sword πŸ˜‚ , Unfortunately, COVID happened before I could actually do anything, so maybe once things settle down?

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  16. Your version of those post is a mess’ is VERY different than mine πŸ˜…
    Anyway I would 100% die in most books too – I am not a bloodthirsty soul & couldn’t protect myself to save my life & as soon as I got one little scratch I’d probably cry like a baby – my only hope is if one of the main characters takes a liking to me & wants to keep me around 🀭
    Great post πŸ’ž

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    1. Ahh, thank you for saying that!! πŸ’•πŸ’• I usually just spew nonsense and hope that it’ll come together in a sensical post πŸ˜…

      Hahahaha, same! And like I would probably just pass out if I got stabbed. People are just constantly getting stabbed in Fantasy for some odd reason?? Yesss, getting taken under the wing of a competent main character for the win!!

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  17. out of all the books on this list, i’ve only read the poppy war, but you can bet that i’d die in any setting that isn’t a contemporary one πŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒ i have no survival skills whatsoever and not being able to use my phone as many hours i want would probably kill me before any monster could get to me. as for the poppy war, i’m chinese and also… a woman, so oof. and i haven’t read the fifth season (am excited to but i’ve heard that it’s hard to get into ahhhh), but i know i’d 100% die in it. i’ve actually never experienced an earthquake before, and even though my school regularly does earthquake drills, i know that i wouldn’t stand a chance 😭

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    1. Listen, anyone who says that they *would* survive non-contemporary books is lying 😞 Like anyone who starts talking about their Hunger Games survival plan is just lying to themselves. Also yes, same, I have zero survival skills or instincts, I mean as you know I was too weak to complete the Chloe Ting challenge, so no way I could run from a monster for longer than a block πŸ˜‚

      Ahh, The Fifth Season also just seems hard to survive because all these people are fighting for their survival and I think I would just lay down and give up πŸ˜…

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    1. Hahahha, exactly! Like sure *hypothetically* I’d love to meet my favorite characters, but if that means going to their worlds then no thanks πŸ˜‚

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  18. This has got to be my favourite post title ever πŸ˜‚ But honestly, I relate. I think I actually would die in a contemporary. Because every time I get left in the house alone for more than a few hours I end up drowning under the pile of dishes I don’t want to wash πŸ˜…

    Yep, I’m stood in front of my bookshelves and I can’t see a single book I’d survive in. Most of my contemporaries are set in New York, and big cities scare me. And all my SFF books are in dangerous worlds that are at war. Soooo I’m officially deceased in every book ever.

    At least I know I’m not alone now!

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    1. Aaaah, I’m so happy you enjoyed it!! πŸ₯° I’m literally the same way!! I figure that if I was put into a contemporary I’d probably trip over a curb and break my neck before starting on my meet-cute journey to find my soulmate πŸ˜‚

      Honestly, I wonder why so many SFF are about war? I mean I’m sure even if they weren’t featuring a war I’d still die because of crazy magic or dangerous futuristic inventions.

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    1. Thank you!! πŸ’•πŸ’•

      Yes!! That’s something I seriously consider sometimes not even related to like SFF. Would I have the energy or put in the effort to actually survive one of these crazy encounters? Like you see stories of people cutting off their arms or drinking their own pee to get out of dangerous situations and I think I’d just be too lazy and weak to do that πŸ˜…

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